Onion Application

In 2024, the satirical news organization The Onion was acquired (yet again). It is being reorganized and is hiring people to revitalize it and take it in a new, non-moribund direction. 

As of this writing, The Onion was accepting online applications for a few positions, including staff writer. Do they know what they are setting themselves up for? An avalanche of applications (both legitimate and satirical) from a bunch of amateur hacks who think they are funny. It’s like they are directly calling out to me.

I started mulling it over. Should I submit an application? I don’t know. It would be fun to say I did, even though I have no chance, and it would be a waste of time.

Should I submit a fake application? OH, HELL YES I SHOULD! 1000%! I mean, what the hell else am I doing? I’m home, writing funny, immature shit for my own amusement. This little digression falls under that, perfectly. 

So as a joke, I did, although I’m sure they’ll be able to see right through it. 

I created a bio for a 78-year-old retired, Fox News addict. I had ChatGPT generate a fake resume for him (sprinkled with several factual elements) and I wrote up a fake cover letter that was somewhat offensive. As an additional part of the application, The Onion requested 30 Onion-style headlines (ostensibly, as a work sample and to assess fit). 

Below are some of headlines I included in support of my application.

• Area Man Duped into Writing 30 Headlines for Job Scam
• Straight Flush Beats Ironic Flush
• Dietician Persuaded by ‘There’s Water in Beer’ Argument
• McDonald’s Bringing Back McSternum!
• Alcoholic Wagon Driver Back on Wagon
• Real Estate Listing: Large Basement Offers Unlimited Potential for Hoarding Hellscape
• Viagra Joke with Quadruple Entendre Flops in Every Direction

I honestly didn’t expect to receive a response. However, to their credit, three months later, The Onion sent me a short and professional email, regretfully informing me of their decision to crush the dreams of 78-year-old area man.