Dear Eager, but Unsuspecting Reader

I’m sorry, I have no other choice but to intervene. I am a serious, discerning reader. I am a patron of the arts and a connoisseur of fine literature. 

As such, I feel it is my moral and cultural duty to interject and tell the current reader, in no uncertain terms, that this is neither art nor literature. This is unadulterated poppycock and a complete waste of everyone’s time.

I will set off my comments in italics, so as not to have them confused with the embarrassing prose of this unlettered jackanapes.

Perhaps unbeknownst to you, what you are currently seeing on your screen is garbage, disguised as a blog, written by some miserable, no-talent hack. Pure putrescence, not worthy of screen space, nor worthy of human consumption. 

None of this material would appear in any self-respecting publication, such as The New Yorker, The New York Times, The Atlantic, Williams Magazine (which, if you must ask, you mouth breather, is the Williams College alumni magazine) or be heard on npr. The Onion? I don’t know what that is, but it sounds beneath me.

As you can clearly tell, I don’t condone this “writing.” Actually, I wouldn’t stoop to call what appears on these pages “writing” and I don’t condone your complicity in reading it. So, for the sake of all that is decent, please stop reading this.

There are numerous and diverse ways you can spend or even waste your time, if you so desire: TikTok, Hallmark movies, People Magazine, scratch-off tickets. This is just a partial list, but it should provide you with many viable alternatives.

At this point, I am graciously presenting you with the opportunity to exit from this site and walk away. I implore you to do so. 
































Stop reading this! This isn’t funny! Literally every other piece of writing on the internet is better and more compelling. And yet, you choose to continue with this. What is wrong with you?

I’ve warned you – he is a hack, this is drivel. You are only encouraging him to continue this monkey business. 

This is my final plea. I beseech you. Stop reading this at once or suffer the inevitable brain rot, shame, and regret that will follow. Mark my words. Good day!