Almanac Guy

I was an almanac-carrying member of the nerd club for many years.

I wasn’t always a nerd, only since I learned math. I thought math and numbers were sorta fun. Numbers made sense to me. They were useful, they were objective facts. Obviously, a lot of other nonnumerical things are facts, too, just boring facts.

The World Almanac and Book of Facts included both types. It contained current and historical statistics and facts on government elections, education, economics, entertainment, sports, and…I need a cold shower.

The almanac was (and still is) a very handy reference book: one single, dense, handheld book, 1,000 pages long, with tons of information at one’s non-digital fingertips. A new updated edition was published every year. The almanac provided a convenient, affordable, and space-efficient way to stay up-to-date with current information and recent events, year-to-year. 

The almanac existed long before the internet, Google, and Wikipedia. I kept buying it after the advent of those things. That’s something a nerd would do. In December, soon after it was published, I would purchase the almanac for the upcoming year, because I couldn’t restrain myself until January. Why wait needlessly for the good stuff?

Adding to the anticipation, the color of the cover varied each year among three or four basic colors. I was always curious about the color for the upcoming edition. White! Oh my God, that’s amazing! Who can I tell that will also be excited? Umm, no one. So what? I’m going to tell everyone, anyway!

One particular December, I walked into our local, independent bookstore while the owner was working. She was engaged in a conversation with another customer. 

Upon seeing me enter, she said, excusing herself, “Wait a minute. I know exactly what book he wants.” Mind you, I had not uttered a word up to this point. She then walked over to the Reference shelf (which no longer exists), picked out, and handed to me the current copy of The World Almanac and Book of Facts. Sadly, she was 100% right. That’s what I’m known for. That’s my profile–Almanac Guy. I took the book and said, “Thanks.” 

She returned to her previous conversation and said, “Do I know my customers or what?” Yes, you do, at least the nerds.

Alas, at some point I had to make practical decisions about my slowly, but perpetually expanding collection of almanacs. The old editions were stored in boxes or desk drawers at work. I checked eBay to see if they carried any monetary value, but they didn’t. That was dispiriting to find, but the almanac was a mass-produced book, reasonable in price, updated and published each year, with each edition soon becoming out-of-date and less useful.

So, over the course of two emotional donations, I reluctantly bequeathed my collection of almanacs to our local trash and recycling company. 

For a few years thereafter, I would buy and retain just the current edition, on a desk, at home. But eventually, I would ask myself, Do I really need to repeat this cycle of buying a new copy and recycling it, after just one year? No. So, I finally weaned myself from the almanac.

Almanac Guy, you had a good run. You’ll have to find other ways to fulfill and define yourself. I don’t know what that will involve, just promise not to subject other people to your writing.