Since conceiving this piece, one of our two dogs passed away. For the sake of pleasant memories, I’m going back in time and writing this piece in the present tense. In loving memory of Yukon, RIP.
Russet and Yukon, our two senior chihuahuas, are excellent lap dogs and arm dogs. They are talented sleeping dogs, sleeping as many as 20 hours a day, but at the same time, are also keen guard dogs. They bark when they hear or smell a new person inside the house. They protect our house and family from a variety of nefarious evildoers–plumbers, painters, electricians, utility company workers, and package deliverers.
I warn such intruders ahead of time about the impending wrath they are about to experience and mention that our dogs are senior chihuahuas. Almost invariably, they understand and actually condone the barking. “A barking dog is a good dog.” “That’s good. That’s what a dog is supposed to do.”
Chi-Unit!
Russet and Yukon have two special barking routines:
Team barking. Once one dog barks, the other one starts barking, even if the latter isn’t aware of the reason for barking. It’s very supportive–strength in numbers, I got your back. The double chihuahua barking attack is every intruder’s mortal nightmare.
Bed barking. The two also bark remotely, from their bed. Rather than running to the point of intrusion and confronting the interloper head-on, they conveniently bark from their home base, in another room. Perhaps this is part of an ambush strategy. Russet even barks from under his blanket in bed, without feeling the need to emerge.
The two really don’t bark much otherwise. Not until it’s go time. Then instincts kick in and they bark like they mean it, with conviction. They are not playing around, they really throw themselves into their guard dog roles. And I wonder what their mindset is. What kind of shit talking do they think they’re doing with all that barking?
A dog from a police K9 unit confronting a suspect? Sure, I can imagine its barking as a vicious and credible threat: Hey asshole! I’ve been training all my life for this! If I get off leash, I’m going to chase you down, sink my teeth into your ass, and make you gush blood!
But two tiny senior chihuahuas? With Russet, I imagine his barking as: Hey intruder, my vision is bad and I’m not going to get up from bed. But if you come over here, right up to me so I can find you, and stand still and don’t move, I will go buck wild on your ass!
And then Yukon comes in for the team barking: Me too, motherfucker! I’m 98 years old, smaller than your shoe, and don’t have any teeth remaining. But if you take off your footwear, I will chomp your pinky toe with my gums until you scream and flee in terror!
Impressively, after one of their trademark barking episodes, after all the excitement, noise, and verbal intimidation, they are able to go back to sleep in less than two minutes. It’s amazing. They wake up suddenly from a deep sleep and immediately start barking. And then just as suddenly, they go back to sleep.
I am envious of that–second part. I wonder how they manage to wind down so quickly after such an adrenaline rush. If I got into a heated verbal altercation with strangers and was yelling physical threats, I would be amped-up for hours.
However, that’s not something I have to worry about. I don’t have that kind of drama and excitement in my life. On the contrary, my life is quite mundane, stable, and boring. Hell, if I worry too much about this week’s grocery list, I’ll lay awake in bed forever. Somewhat pathetic, I suppose, but I strongly prefer my boring, altercation-free life. And I strongly prefer it with our two dogs.
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