This isn’t what you think. This piece isn’t about being awoken by someone with snakes for hair, someone you swear looked completely different eight hours and eight shots ago. This is about being woken up by a small, sweet gesture gone awry.
My wife wakes up early (5:30 a.m.) and puts in long hours at work. Me? No such occupational misfortunes.
I am not a morning person. I really enjoy my morning sleep. Fuck Ben Franklin and Thomas Jefferson and all other cheery, productive early risers. I need my inner beauty sleep. To compound my aversion to mornings, as an introvert, I don’t enjoy a lot of stimulation or conversation while I’m still groggy and slowly joining the land of the living.
A few times before leaving for work, my loving wife leaned over my face to give me a quick goodbye kiss. I didn’t initially sense her presence during those interactions; I was lying in a warm bed, under warm blankets, in a deep sleep, very content, and completely dead to the world.
As she leaned over, her long hair fell onto my face. However, what I truly wasn’t prepared for was that her hair was still wet and cold from the shower.
Suddenly jolted awake and completely alarmed, I reacted by shrieking in her face. What a tender way for me to say, “I love you, too.”
I felt bad for my wife. She wasn’t expecting and didn’t deserve those reactive jump scares. She was taking a few extra seconds and a few extra steps out of her way, to be sweet, before leaving for work.
After a handful of terrifying encounters, I kindly suggested we end this well-intentioned routine. My wife was very understanding and took it well. Still, it was somewhat unfortunate. A goodbye kiss in bed is a sweet gesture, but the morning frights were just too much. I didn’t enjoy waking up by getting scared to death.
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